Power/Sex

Power and sex. So many discussions and triggers there. Being certain kinds of feminist probably doesn't help.

I don't know what to do with you. Now, when you are trying to be in control, often I just have to laugh. You are too eager. Just let it flow; let it feel. I don't like being put in the spot of a lamb; I do not enjoy playing the lamb. Ever. Makes me zone out.

So respect me in such a way as to ask me before doing something within my physical and emotional bubble. Let's try that for a bit. No surprises, please. Even the good ones place me in that "young woman being courted" (and trapped; and objectified; and eventually slaughtered; like a lamb) space, and it is not pleasant.

I have triggers; I don't know what they are yet. I won't know, ever, what all of them are. But I can try to follow.

I can't enjoy myself within an interaction with you if I can't trust you. So could we work on rebuilding that trust, please? From the beginning, almost, maybe? It's OK to not know everything. Things you "know" about me and I "know" about you change all the time, anyway.

I feel like me writing this is almost an attack. It is turbid and turbulent. I don't like it. But I'm in upheaval, and I'm trying to figure it out. How much should I actually share with her, and in which ways?

I haven't a clue but I will need to address it tomorrow, somehow.

Could we try, maybe... *gasp*... having a completely egalitarian interaction? No "control taking" by either party, when it comes to physical interactions, at least? There can be "control giving" (the person who wants to give up control for some particular thing at some particular point brings it up.) Yes! Let's try that.

Hmmm.

Sister

My sister and I are friends again. :)

I may or may not detail this later.

XD <33

Knives and kink

Why are people so afraid of knives?

Is it the lethal aspect? 'Cause trust me, honey, I could just as easily kick at your spleen, attack your temple, or poison your mind. For life.

*muahahahaha!!!*

But seriously. Rinnie won't come within two meters of me when I have a knife in my hand. Cherry kind of flinches and backs away/out of range. It's just a throwing knife, for god's sakes! Or just a paring knife! Or just a gorgeous foot-long saber, mmmm.... That last one is more, like, in my dreams; or at an old friend's house.

Rinnie's reasoning is that she knows me and that I am... 'sporadic' - by which, in her own sort of vocabulary, I think she means that I am unpredictable. Cherry... I'm actually not sure. I took a dull blade of a black ninja throwing knife to her throat today. There was flailing involved, as well as the communication that the pointed end is sharp and pointy (which it is.) I followed the whole thing with a kiss, but it wasn't erotic, at least surely not intensely so or further than the slight eroticism of any teasing boundry-pushing thing (that after-rush of 'woah.')

It takes trust, control, and consensual power exchange. Trust builds with time, and intergrates into the display of interest in a power exchange. Cherry reacts rather intensely and enjoyably to my hand on her throat, or my hand gathering her hair at the back of her neck; she seems to check herself, though, after these reactions and pulls back - consciously or unconsciously. She's getting more used to the back of the head thing, but I have only taken her neck a couple of times, so that one she still definitely withdraws from a little. She also admits to like being on top, and I tease her about it but, in a way, the question is always there: will she flip, switch, desire other experiences as well? More submissive ones, or those of a bottom? I'm trying to ensure there's a variety of power plays going on so that she gets a perspective of these different interactions. There is no plan, per se, but it would be pretty rockin' if sex+Cherry=d/s variety. (Re-reading this, I notice the inherent assumption of sex here, though I am, in fact, meaning sexual interactions of any and all sorts.)

The point of that story was that her ability to trust in me is just developing, and with that is the ease and comfort with which she displays her d/s characteristics (whatever they may be(come)!)

Control. Big part #1: placing your trust in another person, from both parties' ends.
Bottom/submissive's end: you trust your partner and are handing over the control of the situation and the stimuli over to them. You have communicated the boundaries you do know, the things you might want to find out about, and are able and eager to voice/communicate clearly the things you are not okay with: before, during, and after. You understand the risks associated with the chosen activities; these have been discussed. You have discussed your physical and psychological needs in case of emergencies/crises. You know that you will be taken care of, if all is well; you know that you will be supported and helped to take care of yourself in a negative situation.
Top/dominant's end: you trust your partner to be able in, and engage in self-relfection, to be honest about their self-knowledge; you trust yourself and are ready (and happy) to accept the control and responsibility they are giving you over the situation. You have established mutually agreed upon communication devices with the bottom/sub. You have a good grasp of what you will do in emergency/crisis situations. You are comfortable with using the safeword yourself, and have tools in your mind for helping the sub if they use their safeword. ...is there something missing here from the top's end?

I don't have all the answers, because other lovers have appreciated knives intensely in the past. I don't know if it's almost a pre-exhisting knowledge of the fetish for knives that drives them to excitement; perhaps the sense of risk of letting someone else handle a weapon at their skin; perhaps the interaction style (i.e. it had been a long-term relationship; or we were friends and having fun with each other with less risk of intense emotional fuck-ups.)

The thrill of danger cannot exist in a situation that is, from the beginning, not 100% safe-feeling. A woman that is in an abusive relationship and fantacizes about getting physically attacked as part of a sexual experience won't know whether this is a 'fucked up' thing totally part of the abuse cycle or a fetish she really has (and maybe, down the road, might embrace in healthy ways) until she has left the abusive situation and truly worked through a large part of her past.

The integration of control into sexual contexts in ways that are non-intrusive but demonstrate that "I've got it together" is, perhaps, my quandry. It's the last one in the triangle, and it needs to be integrated into the current. Perhaps time will tell, but I cannot rely on intuition alone. This is the puzzle I leave my mind with tonight, to play with while I sleep and breathe and wake and live and function for the next week or two.

The answer will be there by Halloween night. Muahahahaha. XD

Cherry, Insomnia, Sadness

Wish I could forget the pathways. Forget your blog names, forget the invisible fake connections of technology. Wish we weren't so wise as to take this slow, to not over-do; instead we just feel it out exactly as it is - as best as it's possible to do so, with one's head in the clouds.
I'm in the 'like,' zone, I think. Not the love zone, nor the falling in love zone; perhaps I am too cautious - though from our conversations, it seems that we are both. I do not know whether I will ever love you, nor do I know whether I hope I will.

Leonard Cohen is a lonely old man. Like me. Just like me.

Poly rant

Polyamoury. Isn't there *anyone* out there who doesn't compromise their poly nature for a relationship with that one-really-great-amazing-monogamous-person???? Because to me, it's not a choice; FOR me, at least, it is not a choice. I am non-monogamous.

Monogamy and I don't get along. I get bored being monogamous. I get bored with JUST ONE PARTNER even while being technically poly. *insert any disclaimer you want here to not get you, dear reader, mad at this and for you to continue reading with a mind open as, or perhaps more than, at the beginning* And no, I don't want to work on it. I don't want to go to ex-poly camp, thanks.

I was trying to explain the personal tragedy that is the poly people in my life accepting monogamous lifestyles. It happens, over time; it happens. Perhaps overtime it will un-happen, but that is of no comfort right now.

I wish there was someone I admire that was poly and lovin' it. GAH!

Perhaps this will sound super polytical (ha.ha.) but every time a poly-identifying person abandons their label, lifestyle, idenitity etc. for monogamy, it's like we've lost the battle over again. There go ten or more monogamous people wagging their fingers and saying "toldya so," or regaining 'hope' that their partner will eventually become monogamous, or losing understanding of the seriousness of polyamoury - we just haven't grown up yet, we have abandonment issues that *insert the traitor's name here* has finally worked through, good for them! But not for us. Us poly people, we are scum.

Great.

Gloves

I learned the value of gloves today. I spilled concentrated sulphuric acid on my hand, and my skin didn't get eaten away to the bone... 'cause my hand was wearing gloves. Thank you, Chemistry, for this valuable lesson in safety.

<3

Cherry kissed my hand today, as I often kiss hers. I believe it was the second time, maybe, that she'd done it, compared to my many. It took me by surprise, as it is not her habit. The look she gave me in the backseat of the car after doing this was genuine and gentle; a quiet appreciation. My body is reacting to me simply remembering this look - and that's something.

spoken word - inspired rant

As I throw away a sock with a hole in it, I realize the privelege I have to not patch it up, walk and feel the ridges of the patch, learn to patch it together better when the next hole shows through so as not to walk with blisters in circles and ovals on my soles, toes, heels.


And I realize it in English, in this hated fucking langauge that revolts me to this day to say the name of it. But it is your langauge, is it not? It is the language my lovers share with me. The language I say "she exists"in, even though my communist slut is crying out in shame for concealing that I have known not having any of these fucking priveleges, except for still being white with educated parents and a roof over my head, if not a home. And I cry out, my innards know. They hear the song that in Russian mirrors the rhythm and feeling of "she exists." But what's it to you, English - speaking populus? A collection of sounds, to guitar, w/ no meaning unless you listen closely and then you hear... nothing. Music may be universal, but how many have lifted the deafness of the iron curtain? How many of you didn't scoff when I dared utter the word communist? And would you recognize the irony and the pride and the pain behind that word? From a victor's perspective you celebrate Columbus Day every year and give Thanks to the losers for losing, to the Earth for being so bountiful in her forgiveness that you don't even notice, in this land of immigrants, that we are all playing a game. Playing along to your _____ of conquerors.

So no, I guess you wouldn't hear communism like I hear it, or slut like I wish I heard it, or cunt like a powerful word.

Well enough negativity, don't you think? Let's all say thanks and smile and tourn our backs on the wind.

Cherry - my journal entry, 1

Unedited, as in my journal.

Cherry and I met up today. Picnick with dinner and fire (I made a fire, all by myself!) Bagels w/ tomato, avocado, and mozzarella. Walk down the railroad to a heartstopping view of the river, outlined in autumn colours. There was some wind and rain in these post-fire adventures. She got her mom to pick us up, and we got driven to her house. We hung out w/ the fam for a bit in the kitchen, loving some strawberry rhubarb pie in the process. Went upstair and after a brieft tour, settled down in her room. About 2-3 hrs of making out proceeded to happen, w/ intermittent converstaion. She's a medium-to-good kiser; possibly due to being a bassoonist, or possibly due to being young and eager, she presses herself in just a little too much, w/ just a little bit of a strange mouth shape when it's open. I'm not sure whether there just needs to be some practice going on here, or whether I will get into it (the kissing style she presents) or will need to bring it up eventually. It felt very high school, butg also very fresh and good. There was a lot of giggling, which I'm still not sure whether she got fed up with it at any point. Oh well! A together experience should incorporate every person's experience, otherwise it is each person alone, perhaps. She's unsure on the boobs-fondling thing, which I randomly had the intuition to ask about. So I said sounds like a no and proceeded to not incorporate the boobs into our play. :) She's a bit of a top! I'm cool w/ that, though would love to introduce her to more dynamics (I've started already! - teasing her a tad about the control thing, adn taking short spans of time to top her) and certainly would need to balance my being topped by her w/ lots of topping activities at home (rope practice, etc.)

Anyways... my hands were wanter-y with her ass, but she didn't say anything, and I did ask her at some point about it, annnd got a "I don't particularly mind." Which sounds horrid on paper, but at the time I heard it as a "yes, that's cool." So I will go w/ that for now. Perhaps check in w/ her, though I don't want to be preachery about it either; or perhaps I am afraid she will put other restrictions to our physicalities - but that's fair of her to do; and since I feel icky/unsure about it, I will most certainly ask.

P.S. Our safeword is horseradish! Ho ho ho! Horse.

I like the idea of having a communcal safeword, because then no one needs to be thinking about whether they are on top or on the bottom, or wehtehr it is appropriate for them to call the safeword in their situation. So yay. We didn't discuss explicitly what happens after, we just said "say it if you don't like what's going on." I feel like we both have the common sense to figure it out on the spot, though.

I want to give her the s.e.x. book by Heather Corinna, but at the same time, she does already have Opening Up (she chose it because the cover looked more promising/hopeful/soothing.) I don't want to overwhelm her w/ information, and it does seem to me like figuring out whether you can handle non-monogamy (ethical) is a pretty important step. So... I will do the 'sex-stuff' reserach, for now.

Making out is kind of like an addiction, a mellow on, in a way. So you keep coming back for more; it is the chosen activity for the night. There are magical moments, and simple moments.

I'm afraid to let her talk, to ask meaningful questions. I'm afraid to get to know her and her world; get abosrbed and intertwined in it, and then get to the point of collapse, or of pathetic tries to fix it, the broken yellow sun-umbrella-table-thing. We will see, we will see. And then what? yanno?

*dun dun dun dun*

So, slowly; get to know her slowly, through other activities and wittnesing the decisions she makes. '
'She' is an exciting pronoun.
Cherry has only gone to 2nd  base (once) w/ her ex.

I will expand on one or both of these thigns later, as I am currently exhausted. Poof!

Favourite quotes from Jens Peter Jacobsen

Translation by Anna Grabow. Quotes from Morgen and other stories. Rilke lead me to this.

 "Had I, oh had I a grandson, trala,


And a chest with heaps and heaps of gold,

Then very likely had I had a daughter, trala,

And house and home and meadows untold.



Had I, oh had I a daughter dear, trala,

And house and home and meadows untold,

Then very like had I had a sweetheart, trala.

And a chest with heaps and heaps of gold."

"The councilor was interrupted among his asters, but the


district-judge's son was too irreproachable a blending of nature and

civilization for the councilor to raise objections."

 

"Then he ran again for a long time with a

low moaning. Scattered flashes of memory of happy days came to him,

and when they had passed the darkness was twice as black."

annnd... I ran out of reading steam when he turned out to be a hypothetical psycho (or just a really judged man w/ lots of enemies.) But I shall finish! Eventually.

P.S. I have a journal entry from today that I will probably type in here tomorrow

I can't give you everything. But the things I can give you, I will, wholeheartedly, without hesitation once it is the moment that tells me 'yes.' I will not hold back. I will listen. You are part of my world now; my hopeful world.

Life + Girl

Where do I go and how do I share that this is so wonderful? Rooftops, rooftops, rooftops.

There's this girl (refreshing, I know, after all the boys.) She's rad, and I don't even know what or how it is, but we laugh a lot and there is something; I had been questioning this 'something' all week, until finally today I was walking, and taking a deep breath w/ my eyes closed in the sun. My thoughts often come in the form of imagined facebook statuses: ... ponders that she exists. It kept repeating itself in my head, and as I breathed deeply I realized that this is the thread I had been trying to see all week and, finally, in the sunlight, it had caught fire. She exists.

She exists, somewhere in the world, out there, and I don't need to see her right now - no, that is not the pull I am feeling. It is just a reminder, a knowing; I will see her and it will be wonderful, but right here, in this moment, it is this realization that is asking to be fulfilled: she exists.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

An amazing, controversial, kinky number I've been practicing for rather intensely has been cancelled by one of the performers.

I will write more on this later. For now, I am just attempting to let out the frustration. AH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps throwing knives will help.

Girls

You spin me, baby... :)

I am resisting the urge to facebook stalk excessively. Yay. :)


Meaow!!!