Well. Today is my day to rant. I wish I had someone to talk to, but my ex was my best friend for the last year and a half. We were just getting to the point where we were okay opening up about negative emotions, not just positive ones; especially ones that would impact our relationship. And then I bailed and he didn't fight for me.
That's not even the point. Our entire relationship was a disaster. I opened up to him, somehow - the submissive side of me. I was okay going either way, but near the beginning of our relationship somehow it became that he was topping and I was bottoming and it was working out well. Our trust developed quickly, probably jumping over many short-cuts that later became our foils. Soon I was experiencing positive submissive feelings in the bedroom... then within some aspects of our relationship outside of sex (though these were more often wishful thinking than actual events.) And now, well... I do not want to love again, but I know I will. What I am unsure of, is my submissive side: will it ever trust? How and why? It got royally screwed over this first and last time. Parallel to my and Alex's relationship becoming strained, he also became more and more bottom-y while I researched and embodied topping. By the end we had almost completely flipped roles.
What boggles my mind is that I still love him. I enjoy spending time with him. He is a drug, for me. I wish I was with him now, him cuddled up and sleeping beside me.
What also boggles my mind is how fucked up my brain is about emotions. It seems that most people seem to be happy when they are in love. I just get screwed up. I lose things more often - and more important ones. My brain goes slightly haywire. If I go for something related to the person I'm obsessed with at the time (even if it's something small) and do not get it, I become sad... like tears sad. Like crying-and-staying-up-at-night sad.
It hurts it hurts it hurts so much.
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